By Cathy Hird

Think about a recent time when you were disappointed. Something did not work out the way you planned, the way you expected. What did you feel? A sharp pain or a sigh of regret?

Disappointment can be small - your regular coffee shop ran out of your favorite snack. It can be huge when a loved one does something that threatens to break your relationship or change your image of them forever. Always, disappointment comes when what is does not meet what we expect will be.

We make plans for a family gathering or a holiday away, and what actually transpires is not what we had planned. Someone we really wanted to connect with cannot come. The weather keeps us from the activities we anticipated. Our plan is "ruined."

We have all had plans that got wrecked. We go on a ski trip, and it rains. We go to a cottage on a lake, and it rains. The corn is ready to harvest, but it rains. The plan we had is washed away. We feel disappointed, discouraged, anxious, upset.

The thing is, the days still happen. The time still is even if we cannot do what we planned to do. We will still live the time that we planned, just not in the way we expected to.

The question becomes, will we waste the time regretting what is not or will we find a way to fill the time with productivity, connection, joy, peace?

I recently finished a weaving project that did not turn out the way I envisaged. When I handed it to the person for whom it was intended, I shook my head and said I was sorry that it was not perfect. She laughed. "Oh if it isn't perfect, should I accept it?" This woman knows me well, knows I am inclined to be a perfectionist, has helped me let go of that tendency, a bit.

With that project, I had a vision of what I wanted it to look like. I found yarn that was beautiful in itself and would work into my plan. I wove a star at a specific place in the scarf. But when I was done, the star did not sit where it needed to. I had to fill in that spot and then embroider the star in another spot.

When it was finished, it was not quite what I had planned, but it worked. It was lovely.

Sometimes we set out expectations for ourselves or for someone else that are just not realistic. There is no way a real person in real time can reach that bar. We might touch it, but we cannot hold it, or cross it. If we hold onto the expectation rather than the real possibilities, we will torment ourselves.

Expectations help us plan, keep us from drifting, but they need to be held lightly. For our peace of mind, we need to be ready to let them go. In order to appreciate what is, we have to look beyond what we expected in order to see what the moment gives us.

Rain has washed out many plans, but some of the most memorable workshop moments at Summerfolk have taken place in the rain with acoustic instruments, crowded together under a tent with the performers. Rain turned off the power, drew us closer and made musicians rely on the basics of their craft.

When we accept what is, we can be happy even when our plans do not work out. True, there are some things we should not accept--abuse, violence, bullying. But if we hold our expectations lightly, give space for other people to be themselves and for the time to unfold as it will, peace will come more easily.

Let me conclude with words from Laozi, the author of the ancient Tao te Ching, because he is one who helps me to relax and let be: "Simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world."

Cathy Hird is a farmer, minister and writer living near Walters Falls.